<~~~ Devilaid's Inner Side ~~~>

Jus moved to sembawang, living with my sis and her husband. Well, things are ok i think. A lil of this and that…A lil problem here n there, but its fine. Its normal i guess. No one lives with no problem anywaes. Even the rich have problems..correct me if i am wrong aites…

I’m missing my bestie, psycho. Never seen her for sometime now. Both been bz. She been bz wih her work and such. So its predictable that we won’t see each other for the time being.

Miss my 2nd sis noise and such. She always been the noisy one. But she lives with her husband and in laws now. So we see her like once a week when she has her off day from work.

Today, my sis, me, and lil bro have stomach problem. Keep going to the toilet. Haha.. must be something we ate or something. maybe its the sardine… ahh i dun knw..

Then some ppl tat i close to me are having problems…so yeah i hope everything goes ok… haiz…

i’m tired, sleepless nite these days, headaches every now n then…and such and such and such….

devilaid…

He was ours, he was part of the family. From not that chubby, to a very chubby rabbit… He is always very notty. Mischeivous lil one. We loved him alot alot. Everyone loved him very much, and gotten used to the fact that he is in the family. Every now n then we think of him, his food and such.

But then he have to leave us. He leave us…He was acting a lil strange when we leave him at someone’s place for more than a day for us to shift house. Then coming back from that, he acted more strange. Then wen 2nd sis come home, bathe him and all… He passed away in her arms… I was out, tears flow as i heard the news… Sadness flowa thru…

Now all is left is memories of the sweetness of him around. His lovable ways, his mischeif, being himself… We all love u joe… All we hope is that u are much happier there… love u….

A picture tribute to Joe has been done up by my sis… do take a look of his pics….

http://degilzgal.multiply.com/photos/album/129

Love..

Devilaid…

Shortage or words… = Super out of the blue excess of nonsensical pics….

Devilaid has gone Crazy….

HE have teach me something today...That to just accept and go on. Thanks to mum also. I am sick for few days. My thurs and fri is being spent with bed n medication. Then a call came in saying the results are out. Since i am sick, i think i going to check it later at nite. SO...
Nite came, i became super afraid. Cause i don't know how to face mum if i got a bad result for my 1st final yr project. I checked, i was shocked, i tot i was ok, then i was angry at myself, then i broke down crying. 1st time in my rp life that i broke down crying just becoz of my grade.
All that effort, all that hard work, all that coming home late from sch, all that much i put in. I gotten a C+.... As compared to s, it make me feel much worse. Where the FUCKING HELL i went wrong?? i didnt even reach a B.... Damn it make me feel alot worse.
Since mum wen work already, i decided to call her. She knows my result were out. So called her, and told her i gotten C+ aje. She was like shock, i know she is. Then i broke down crying again. She say da la, jgn nangis, then i told her how i feel... she try so much to comfort me. Then put down the fone...
Remy tried to calm me down, thanks. Then i sit staring at the laptop.. crying silently. Damn, maybe it coz i am sick so i cry alot. Then mum called my hp, asking me if i am ok. i wanted to cry when she ask, but i stop it and jus hold it on. She said, da la its ok. Just go on finish this yr, then go get a job. HE realise ur effort. But if it turn out to be a C+ then jus accept it. Be greatful of what HE have given u ok. da la.. stop crying and get some rest ok....
So, even though i am super sadden, further more sick, i am accepting it all. N thanks to HIM i at least past, And thanks to HIM i got a mum like my mummy... so, i will be ok, i hope. thou i know i am prone to cry anytime soon.. but i am ok...

sadden, devilaid

Its more than a month after my sis wedding…Well, alot have been happening along the way. Lets jus see if i could list it out…

What happen? :

- G301 FYP presentation

- After presentation Swensen ice cream dinner date with the crew

- UT 2…

- Packing of house stuff to move…

- Help mum n sis to settle house matters…

- Ignite 09 cum SL booth

- SL presentation @ south agora of the sch….

- Gotten attch to someone…

- Arguements in between…

- Over a month with the person…Still ok… (amazing huh..)

- Figuring my future plans…

Well, basically that is it. Now i list it out… i have to admit that i may forget some stuff in the middle thou. But it all lay out fine.. and i hope it will jus all go on fine. Now, the crew is going on to figuringin out for G302, second part of our FYP. Then some of them keep talking about university, and future plans. While everytime they talk about it, i feel stress. Haiz… For now, i think i will jus let things flow. Will upload pics to show u guys what have been happening….

- right : me bring joe out to play.

- ignite cum sl booth pictures…

- Me n raimi…- The shirt is from him, nick name for him n me

- mirror with wood border, his n my nick… as a return gift coz of the shirt he gave me.

Well… more pics would be found uploaded by friends in facebook. The rest of pics is in my hp… lazy to upload… later ppl….

Everytime when something starts, it will end. Sooner or later. Some took months, some tooks days, while others took years then come to an end. Lately, in my life, certain things have started and some have ended.

Lets see…sis started to be engaged, then preparation of ther wedding took two years and last sundae, she had been wedded. The preparation have made me both crazy and mentally ill sometimes but it ended with tears of joy for my lovely darling sister. I wish u all the best and may u be happy wit ur chubby husband. And of course, thanks to those that help on sat n sun of the wedding dae… appreciate it much…

Then there was the short love. if u call it that. was wif someone then broke off… found out several stuff. Made me laugh wen it is suposed to be hurtful. but hey u cant blame me for not being hurt… i had expected something shitty to happen. Most of my relationship end in a different sometimes shitty way. So i was not really hurt. I felt… like a doll… Empty… sad huh….So it too have start and ended… shorter than ever…But i still have my close frens… thanks for being there…

Then new things have started..Like new people in the family, ouh n of course, i have to shift to a mew house soon. Have not packed yet… processing period.

Then there is things that have started a few months back but not ended… like final year project… and 3rd year in poly. This would end ard next year when i grad! haha… Hmm…

Well that is it for now… i think…

Sedih. Kebelakangan in ku rasa sedih sekali. Hinggan airmataku menitis membasahi pipiku. Kenapa? Kenapa agaknya?? Entahla…Ku sediri keliru. Runsing dibuatnya. Mungkin kerana banyak sangat yg ku lalui kini. Semuanya terjadi serentak.

Ada pula kata yg ku perlu kan seseorg untuk berada disisku. Untuk menjadi tiang sandaranku, untuk menjadi tempat ku mengadu, menangis dan bermanja. Tapi bila ada seseorg yg mahu menetap disisiku, ku menolak. Kenapa?? Entahla… Mungkin ku belum sedia. Atau cuma perlu masa untuk cuba mengembalikan perasannya. AKu hargai dirimu yg cuba untuk menjadi tempat ku bergantung. Tapi kau harus paham yg aku belum sedia. Ini semua harus diberi masa untuk berputik. Maaf kan ku kerna menolakmu…

Adakah terperanjatnya ku apabila mendapat khabar berita bahawa teman tapi mersa ku yg lama sudah kita tidak berbual mesra dipenjari dirumah batu. Hancur lebuh perasan ku apabila ku dengar cerita sebenar dari abgmu. Aku tahu kita bertengkaran, bersilihan, dan kau pula membawa diri jauh dari ku. Kau diam terus selapas itu. Membuat ku membencimu. Dan kini ku dapat tahu apa telah terjadi… Aku menjadi risau. Gelisah tidak tentu arah. Adahkan apa yg terjadi padamu akibat aku dengan tak segaja? Mungkin ya, mungkin tidak. Apa pun punca nya, aku tak akan henti mengambil berat tentang mu. Kau tetap teman tapi mesra ku. Ampuni la aku jika selama ini aku banyak sakit kat hati mu… Maafkan la aku… Aku tetap akan merindui suara mu….

Aduh letihnya diriku ini. Kehulu dan kehilir mengejar masa. Sekolah yg seperti tidak henti-henti memerlukan perhatian ku. Tugasan tahun akhir pula yg tidak abis-abis bermasalah dan tidak henti-henti mangambil masa-masa lapang ku. Da tu pula tambahan dengan majlis pengkhawinan kakak ku. Aku bahagia bahawa dia sudah dapat kebagiaan yg dimimpi-mimpikannya. Tapi, kini seperti banyak gitu yg harus ku tolong untuk menyediakan majlisnya itu. Takkan hendak biar kan saja ibuku seorg menanggung semuakan?? Kesian, letihnya seperti dia tidak larat lagi membuat kerjaan lainnya. Dengan semua ini, ada lagi yg ku harus tempuhi. Urusan- urusan seperti duit, rumah, bapa kandung ku dan sebagainya… Waduh-waduh berat sunggung diri ini memikul segalanya.

Mengapa agaknya haru ku tempohi ini semua? Oh Tuhan, mengapakah kau mencabar kesabaran hamba mu seperti ini?? Adakah ada nikmat disebalik ini semua?? Atau hanya untuk mengcabari aku?? Walau apa pun niat mu Tuhan, aku yakin ia untuk kebaikkan diri ku juga. Akan ku cuba sedaya upahya ku untuk mengharungi ombak kehidupan ini dengan tabah…Hanya untuk mu… 

27th mar :-

- Slacking at home in the morning

- Follow big sis to town at ard the evening.. she got meeting at forum

- Became too bored at home…

- Then meet up wit Gene…. spent time with him coz he was not werking and was bored…

28th mar :-

- gotten to know a close never come home, the mum called me.

- gotten to know some truth about a close friend.

- gotten to know he lie to me.. alot…

- i was hurt, i cried the whole nite…

29th mar :-

- wake up with pain in my eye

- looks like swollen

- gotten sick….

- cant sleep at all!!

ahhhchooo!!

30th mar :-

- gotten really sick…

- 1st lab session for my project…

- really sick…. cant seem to get anything rite….

- cant seem to sleep that well too….

AAHHHHhhhhhCHHHhhhooooOOOO…

31st mar :-

- continuation of lab work.

- still sick.. sneezing away every now and then

- 3hrs of sleep

1st april :-

- 1st day of wearing contact lens for my project

- spent 30 mins on putting in the contact lens in the morning…poke poke poke my eye…

- my eyes are painful and redish the whole day…

- bought eye drops…works a lil better…

- met my cousin…

- a relieve wen i open the lenses..

- updates blog….

Muahaha…

Its just one of those blog that i wanted to like out with some question that at times pops out in my mind. SO for today… the question is… WHY DO HUMANS HAVE FEELINGS???

Why do i suddenly ask this question? Well, its all cause by my own feelings. I had too many feelings mixed up like rojak lately. I felt hurt, sad, pain, irritated, angry, felt like crying… all… and then it pops out… why must i have these feelings? From there i asked.. WHY DO HUMANS HAVE FEELINGS??? Why must we feel hurt n pain, why must we feel like shit at times….

Well, with it, we know if something makes us sad or happy. With it, life seems much better… if we do not feel… its like so dull… life would become meaningless. But wit it too, we get hurt and all. But its life… Hmm….

SO in the end, i jus have to live with all these feelings.. u, me  and everyone… hmmm…. so the tired… but we have too.. these are some of the unanswerable questions… cant be help i guess….

Today, i have turned 20 yrs old…..In this blog entry, i would like to thank those that have wish me happie bde and all…

So, 1st up… Thanks to mom, who have brought me up in this world. Thanks to my sisters for wishing me happie bdae. I love u too. Thanks to abg sidi n akak ayu for the sling bag.. love the red color…. THanks for akak sal, for wishin me happier bdae… i dun need presents ouhkie.. so its ok. Thanks to abg aah, kak jana, n kak rai…. for wishing me happie bdae… ( i do not know who told kak jana and kak rai… it must be abg aah, their bro… haha)

Next up…Thanks to, my besties. Yanty, thanks for the bdae wish, u cant be with me on my bdae, but its ok….Ros, Mar, Najib, Ahmad, THanks for the dinner at pastamania, ( We had to go Sunplaza for some issues on our project. Then ahmad say he want to go toilet nad bring najib along saying he do not know where is it. Then, aft me, mar, ros settle our stuff at the eye shop, i ask where we are going, ros say we going to eat at mac. Then she enter pastamania, shitlets… she jus smile. Then i saw ahmad n najib seating already smiling, so i smile only.. hehe speechless. Then mar n ros wanted to go toilet so ok la.. i waited, while ahmad n najib buy the food. Then, the guys came back with only two drinks. tot my coke will come later so ok la… so the gals came back, suddenly sing happy bdae song, wanted to cry but kept it in.. haha.. then a slice of cake from starbucks for me.. haha…. Then my coke, which had been change to mocha frappe with whipped cream. their doings too!! haha… Aside from that, i gotten a purple, yellow cow/cowiebank…haha.) So thanks to ros n zep for the cowiebank… will try n keep money in it.. love it lots…. Again… thanks guys. And also, thanks to eugene for being sweet and knwoing my bdae, Al irfian for wanting to bring me out but last min cant… its ok i understands.

Then…. May thanks to the rest also who didnt forget my bdae, some in which i didnt know u know… Haha…. Rid, thanks for the advance bdae wish, Oska thanks for remembering. To Nuraini thanks…Not forgetting, Falah, adilah, fatimah, eric, shameer, weileng, voodoo child, Im R, shini, Atie, Cheong, Ouh and mabel, who i have bump in sch.. thanks for remembering.

LAstly……Thanks to all that had remember my bdae, that had wish me happie bdae and alll.. thank u. If i do forget anyone.. i am sorriee… but i think i have mention alll… i not so sure.. haha….cant seem to remember who i have mention, who i have not and allll sorrie… but thanks to everyone ok… luv ya all….

====----------------THANK U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --------------=====

Eve of my b’dae… Well, i have been thinking about things that had happen, done, wat’s going to happen and such… Then i thought again… What had happen, is it all in a way worth it? It is for the best? Or should i regret?? Then again i thought, in 20 years of my life… what had i done? other than the bad stuff and all….Have i wasted my life?? Part of me said that i had. And that i could have been a better person then i was or am now. But If the past have not happen, have not teaches me a lesson about life, would i still be what i am now? Then again i thought, what have i done?? Am i a bad person to u? I hated myself many times… And at times.. i still do hate myself..

I just feel this way sometimes… Dun ask me why pls.. dun…. i jus do…Today i hint2 the guys, as in my team mates, 3 of which my closest friends thus far in rp…. that my bdae is tomorrow… i jus feel like doing that. But i do not want anything… nothing at all…. Its was jus a play2 thingy…. I jus need to Coz part of me feel like crying again, from time to time… Its either the age, or i jus feel damn stressed out. But then again i do not knoe…. I jus need to cheer myself up guys.. so pls do not bother abt it.. i jus playing ard. I do not want to cry on my b’dae or the eve of it…. I am jus happy that u guys are around to make me happy and such….

Please… be happy people… i know some of u guys are having bf n gf problems and all other problems.. please… be happy.. things will turn out fine.. there is always ways….. and things will fall out fine ouhkie…. love u guys…..And to yanty… i miss u lots gal….

Its been weeks… maybe a month or so.. Sad to say, but i kinda lost track….Its either that, or i am jus lost rite now. I do not know what to think or what to do. I can’t seem to push myself to start researching on my project. Not only that, but i seem to be lost. Yet again… lost…

Or is it just coz i am tired? But its been like 3 days since i came back from my trip to Cambodia for a service learning trip. 12 days i was gone, and her i am again. Rite back where i came from… and he same as ever… Lost.

Frankly speaking.. i hate this feeling. I really do hate it a lot. But nevertheless, it keeps coming back. At a time i be feeling fine, then the next moment i am not. Why?? Why am i like this?? Is there something wrong with me… Or is there something missing.. Or maybe i am just forgetting something…

Oh God, please help me… please help me find a cure to this feeling. Or at least show me the answer to the question of why i am feeling this way. Is it cause i am too worried over other stuff that i lost myself?

Hate this… Hate this feeling… Hate me for feeling this way… Hate it a whole damn lot. Shit…. i hate this…Hate this feeling…But yet i can’t run away from it… shit….

For once in my life, all i ever wanted to have a lil peace in mind… At first i tot the holidays are going to be a breeze…Just to care abt stuff like, sch FYP, Cambodia trip, and that is it.. other stuff i can chill like my sis getting married… it not a problem tat i have to think much since it is in Jun. So i tot, its just going to be abt FYP and Cambodia trip… but hell… no….

Suddenly, my pay was not in properly, sudden shortage of money for the trip. planned to buy stuff for the family… but see how la…Then all other stuff or problems filled up my mind.. damn…. iTs like all of a sudden there is alot of problem came tumbling by….

I am not complaining… they say god gives us the problems he gives us, coz he knows we can handle them…well, i guess, i shld just trust him… ahh… i think i just need to relax…

Lately, i have been a lil tired, washed out, worn out and such. By the time i reached home, my mood turn from ok, to not ok. Well, my start of 2009 has been like tense up. Its like i got too much to do, so little time.

Well, at first i was not serious about going on this particular overseas tirp, but then i kinda gotten into it. signed it up with a friend. Thought about it, and i was like, fine what the hell, its the last year of sch anywae. So why not just go for it. Anywae, its time i go out and explore a lil bit. And on the top of that got to do some service to the world. So i will be going to cambodia. To help and gain some exprience in this particular hospital which is called CCAMH if i am not wrong, it is centr for children and mental hospital. In particularly, i am going there to create awareness on kids having epilepsy. So will get to work wit the staff there, the kids and such. Its like community service, voluntary work or such but it wil have gaining of knowledge and gain of exprience, they called it service learning.. well, there is lots more to it...

Then there is FYP, final year project, in which we are kinda depressed by the fact that we didn't get our first choice of project... which deals with coral reefs, and the fact that we were so pumped up for it, and i had read articles and such regarding it.. but what the hell, the PI didn't choose us. So its ok. Then today last min, my gro were told to write up and essay to tell another PI on our some sort of ideas on how to go about doing another project tittle. its abt contact lens and bacteria and such. So i was like wanted to go home after schoool, coz this few days i always end up going home late. but can't again.. haha... so had to stay did the essy with the rest of the grp. mar was having her FOP meeting.. haha...i help the FnB crew a lil...

THen, after the essay was done then i gotten to go home...but then can't just rest rite, i had to do my Rj, help mum clean the kitchen a lil bit... then now doing this. U must b wondering why i even bother to do this bloggin since i am so tired... that lead to another thing... the fact that recently i cant seem to get to sleep!! shitlets.. totally not fair la.. have no idea why thou. at nite, i just can't get to sleep. Its a bother. seriously. some say i stress, some say i think too much or wat so ever.. but frankly, i have no idea, and how i wish i can get to knoe and get to solve it. SO end up i sleep late, or i sleep for an hour or two and i wake up. haha...Then tomorrow i got UT to do, and the fact i can't do it on this lappy cause it does not have the school stuff on it. So have to use paper, which means i cannt refer to sch notes... AAHHHH!!!! haha... i miss my lappy... it is still in futjisu hospital. haha...

Ouh.. there is new staff at werk.. haha.. just gotten to know last sat when i werk. hardly know them cause i seldom werk these days... can't have the time. by the week is over, i am damn tired and just want to sit and home and rest or sleep. haha... but i have too right. for the sake of money i have to werk. haiz.. but its ok.. i am used to all this... just tot i blog the updates for this weekkk... haha...

Life, is...weird, confusing, mind bobbling, like a twister, like a roller coaster ride, like the waves that crashes which have different ups and downs or length of each wave. Every step we take, every decision we choose have its pros and cons, but yet we have to go on. One can't just give up halfway through, even so, we can't do that, unless we just want to dropped dead and give up. But I guess its not that simple. That why no matter what, we have to go on. In life we can never predict everything. Think about it...how many of our plans did go exactly go to plan. When u think about it, never. There will always have a slip or a lil change. Even the slightest thingy, there will be a change, never on plan. But then, if u think about it, sometimes change is good, to make u do something different from what u normally do, to make u realise something that u never realise before, or just to get u into something different from normal. But then if u look at it again, sometimes, change maybe for the worse. Like u gotten dump, or heartbroken, u hate and that hate changes to change ur character, to the worse... It can go both ways, good or bad...then life changes again.
Then sometimes when u think again, what is the true meaning of life? One may not even think about such question ever...One may wonder what is the true meaning of life when one is down or like me, when in slumber, or when stress, at the verge of breaking apart, me wonder what is the true meaning of life? To suffer? To enjoy? To live just so we can die? To love and be loved? Or to get hurt or hurt someone? Thou many times I question, I never get the answer... some say it depends on how u lead ur life, ur responsibility and such. Well, maybe it is that or maybe it is not. Then came along the question what is my purpose in life and question like what the hell I want in life? Is it as simple as having goals and aims? Is that it or is it more than that... deeper than that...
But then again, when u think about it, sometimes some questions are just meant to be ponder upon. And that some answers are never clear...