<~~~ Devilaid's Inner Side ~~~>

As every 365 days pass by,

One year passes by…

Growing older by age and looks…

While maturity and thinking may or may not ever grow…

As year after year pass by,

Many things happen…

Incidents that we may like…

While other are acidents that we hate for the rest of our lives…

Things we regret are kept locked in te coner,

While sweet memories are recalled from time to time…

Is it worth it to recall such matter??

Worth it or not.. we still do recall…

As these years pass by…

We have did many things…

Good or Evil…

If we regret, all we could say now is sorry…

Yet saying sorry seems easy,

But its not.

Sometimes, U don’t even think u did anything wrong…

People don’t understand u.

So all u could do is say sorry for all that mistakes…

A year have pass by…

I’m older by a year..

Sorrie to all that i have made mistakes to..

Sorrie to all that i have hurt..

Sorrie to all… for wat ever reason..

A year have pass…

It have pass… and gone..

Hence now… life goes on…

Its weird how something seem so strong could end instantly...

Its interesting how one could get over a love that was lost quickly...

Thou, its also heartbreaking to be weeping in silence.

Its cruel. Its unfair. Its painful. Its everything one do not want to feel...

But yet, one still have to pick herself up, no matter how much pain she have to bear with...

As the chest heavies with endless pain, one would struggles in the depth of the shadows alone...

Smile, Laugh, be Cheerful. Fake it all. Make it look like this pain is nothing.

Cause like it or not, it over and done with.

The only truth remains is that life...still goes on.

Everything is bear by u and u alone..

That`s the fucked up fact of life.... Everything lies on u ad u alone...

Looking at the dark night sky,

Ur image appears in my vision…

It makes me wonder,

Do i still have feelings for u?

Or is its just memories that flows endlessly…

I shut my eyes really hard.

Hoping it would all disappears…

But,

To my despair…

The tots of u still lingers…

Ur sweet smile,

Ur deep voice,

Ur warm hug,

And those endless times that u keep my head up…

Damn, i still want u.

I shakes my head…

Wanting to go back to reality.

These are just….

Memories beneath a dark sky….

Now…

The fact remains,

U are gone.

And i am… yet alone…

In the mist of darkness,

Only a candle of light remains…

A suffering.

Living in depths of loneliness,

And darkness..

Every second goes by,

Not a word is heard…

Engulfed by the darkness,

One by one,

The senses lose their ability…

Touching nothing,

Hearing nothing but silence,

Tasting and smelling nothing but bitterness,

Seeing nothing but the darkness…

The imagination that was a companion,

Slowly fades away…

As the darkness creeps in…

Taking over what left…

Wonder what’s left.

Trapped…

Tell me,

Where is the opening for my escape???

Just like every other things in the world that have rules and regulations, at home, we do have rules and regulations. Mainly the one who sets up the rules and regulations are our elders, our parent. Yes, i am regulated by my elders, my parents (mainly my mother only…my father never cared about us since young..) and having two elder sisters, are even worse. hahaha!

Well, lets see if i could tell you how am i regulated. My mother is those who is very strict. Some ground rules would be, no staying over at people’s house, no going home late, no voice louder than her or my sisters (its rude…) and alot of other stuff. She may not lay all the ground rules, well she never does lays any ground rules, but since i live her all my life, and my sisters too, we all knows what she likes and do not like. Never slam things, never that and never this…

Then my sisters, elder than me too kinda have a say in regulating me. At least my second sister does since my first sister is the type where she is very soft and never scolds and all. So second sister would be the one who sometimes ask me where i am if i am a little late before mother ask. The she would complain to mother if she thinks i did something wrong. She also a little protective. she would sometimes scolds me, or like scolded my friend if she do not like something. There was once, she actually went to where i was, since she knows where i am that day, then goes to my friend who have been making me stress up, using my hp and all and scolded her. Hahaha… it was scary, but now when i think about it, its funny. But it was only because she is very protective of her family. She is very bold for a lady, and always stands for what she thinks right, and usually she just say what she feel. Sometimes i think she talk too much and she need t careful of what she say but she someone who is like that. So it can’t be helped, and she is someone who never forgive you if u mess with her family. Its scary. I think she took my mother’s fierce side…Hahah…

While my other sister, she took my mother’s soft side. Never scold, never get angry easily…very patient…could never be like her. But she does talk to you if something happen and all. Or like she don’t really like something. She would give warning.

That is overall how i am regulated at home. But mother is really feirce. Scary at times. Being the third daughter was stresfull, still am now. Cause the freedom is lesser compared to my friends and all. But i gotten used to it. So its fine. Love them all, dispite the stressfulness.

For once in my life i crave for a vacation. Even a short one would do. All i need is to be away from all this hectic and rushes of life. Its like we are moving all so fast that after sometime, we lost our roots. We lost the the answers to questions like, why am i doing this? what is it for? who is it for? What we want for life? and once we lost these roots, these answers to these questions…Then we would stop and wonder… what now? What am i doing again? and it would all end up to this phrase…

“i don’t know…”

Well, frankly, i won’t know if others feel like this or experience these kinds of situation before but i do. Right now, i am at the phrase of my life which i think i need to figure out what i need to do. For other people older than me or some friends, they would say things like, its easy, just go find a job la… or why don’t u just continue school la…These people should understand the fact that things are never easy like they say it is. its never that easy. It’s more complicating than that.

So, few days ago, or more like a while back, i sit down and think. Yes i am going to get a job and see how things goes…

But then…

but then…

But after that…

Then wat???…..

A question that remains unknown….

Life??

What is it about life??

What does it want us to do??

Why do we have to live this life?

Can we just leave it all behind without a say???

Life…

Sometime it sucks,

Somtimes it great,

It is unpredictable…

Life…

Sometimes its interesting,

Sometimes its boring,

Its twisted…

Life…

Can be sweet,

joyful,

Its wonderful…

Life…

Can be cruel,

painful and unfair,

Its screwed…

Life…

Weather we like it or not,

We still have to go on…

Coz that’s life…

Jus moved to sembawang, living with my sis and her husband. Well, things are ok i think. A lil of this and that…A lil problem here n there, but its fine. Its normal i guess. No one lives with no problem anywaes. Even the rich have problems..correct me if i am wrong aites…

I’m missing my bestie, psycho. Never seen her for sometime now. Both been bz. She been bz wih her work and such. So its predictable that we won’t see each other for the time being.

Miss my 2nd sis noise and such. She always been the noisy one. But she lives with her husband and in laws now. So we see her like once a week when she has her off day from work.

Today, my sis, me, and lil bro have stomach problem. Keep going to the toilet. Haha.. must be something we ate or something. maybe its the sardine… ahh i dun knw..

Then some ppl tat i close to me are having problems…so yeah i hope everything goes ok… haiz…

i’m tired, sleepless nite these days, headaches every now n then…and such and such and such….

devilaid…

He was ours, he was part of the family. From not that chubby, to a very chubby rabbit… He is always very notty. Mischeivous lil one. We loved him alot alot. Everyone loved him very much, and gotten used to the fact that he is in the family. Every now n then we think of him, his food and such.

But then he have to leave us. He leave us…He was acting a lil strange when we leave him at someone’s place for more than a day for us to shift house. Then coming back from that, he acted more strange. Then wen 2nd sis come home, bathe him and all… He passed away in her arms… I was out, tears flow as i heard the news… Sadness flowa thru…

Now all is left is memories of the sweetness of him around. His lovable ways, his mischeif, being himself… We all love u joe… All we hope is that u are much happier there… love u….

A picture tribute to Joe has been done up by my sis… do take a look of his pics….

http://degilzgal.multiply.com/photos/album/129

Love..

Devilaid…

Shortage or words… = Super out of the blue excess of nonsensical pics….

Devilaid has gone Crazy….

HE have teach me something today...That to just accept and go on. Thanks to mum also. I am sick for few days. My thurs and fri is being spent with bed n medication. Then a call came in saying the results are out. Since i am sick, i think i going to check it later at nite. SO...
Nite came, i became super afraid. Cause i don't know how to face mum if i got a bad result for my 1st final yr project. I checked, i was shocked, i tot i was ok, then i was angry at myself, then i broke down crying. 1st time in my rp life that i broke down crying just becoz of my grade.
All that effort, all that hard work, all that coming home late from sch, all that much i put in. I gotten a C+.... As compared to s, it make me feel much worse. Where the FUCKING HELL i went wrong?? i didnt even reach a B.... Damn it make me feel alot worse.
Since mum wen work already, i decided to call her. She knows my result were out. So called her, and told her i gotten C+ aje. She was like shock, i know she is. Then i broke down crying again. She say da la, jgn nangis, then i told her how i feel... she try so much to comfort me. Then put down the fone...
Remy tried to calm me down, thanks. Then i sit staring at the laptop.. crying silently. Damn, maybe it coz i am sick so i cry alot. Then mum called my hp, asking me if i am ok. i wanted to cry when she ask, but i stop it and jus hold it on. She said, da la its ok. Just go on finish this yr, then go get a job. HE realise ur effort. But if it turn out to be a C+ then jus accept it. Be greatful of what HE have given u ok. da la.. stop crying and get some rest ok....
So, even though i am super sadden, further more sick, i am accepting it all. N thanks to HIM i at least past, And thanks to HIM i got a mum like my mummy... so, i will be ok, i hope. thou i know i am prone to cry anytime soon.. but i am ok...

sadden, devilaid

Its more than a month after my sis wedding…Well, alot have been happening along the way. Lets jus see if i could list it out…

What happen? :

- G301 FYP presentation

- After presentation Swensen ice cream dinner date with the crew

- UT 2…

- Packing of house stuff to move…

- Help mum n sis to settle house matters…

- Ignite 09 cum SL booth

- SL presentation @ south agora of the sch….

- Gotten attch to someone…

- Arguements in between…

- Over a month with the person…Still ok… (amazing huh..)

- Figuring my future plans…

Well, basically that is it. Now i list it out… i have to admit that i may forget some stuff in the middle thou. But it all lay out fine.. and i hope it will jus all go on fine. Now, the crew is going on to figuringin out for G302, second part of our FYP. Then some of them keep talking about university, and future plans. While everytime they talk about it, i feel stress. Haiz… For now, i think i will jus let things flow. Will upload pics to show u guys what have been happening….

- right : me bring joe out to play.

- ignite cum sl booth pictures…

- Me n raimi…- The shirt is from him, nick name for him n me

- mirror with wood border, his n my nick… as a return gift coz of the shirt he gave me.

Well… more pics would be found uploaded by friends in facebook. The rest of pics is in my hp… lazy to upload… later ppl….

Everytime when something starts, it will end. Sooner or later. Some took months, some tooks days, while others took years then come to an end. Lately, in my life, certain things have started and some have ended.

Lets see…sis started to be engaged, then preparation of ther wedding took two years and last sundae, she had been wedded. The preparation have made me both crazy and mentally ill sometimes but it ended with tears of joy for my lovely darling sister. I wish u all the best and may u be happy wit ur chubby husband. And of course, thanks to those that help on sat n sun of the wedding dae… appreciate it much…

Then there was the short love. if u call it that. was wif someone then broke off… found out several stuff. Made me laugh wen it is suposed to be hurtful. but hey u cant blame me for not being hurt… i had expected something shitty to happen. Most of my relationship end in a different sometimes shitty way. So i was not really hurt. I felt… like a doll… Empty… sad huh….So it too have start and ended… shorter than ever…But i still have my close frens… thanks for being there…

Then new things have started..Like new people in the family, ouh n of course, i have to shift to a mew house soon. Have not packed yet… processing period.

Then there is things that have started a few months back but not ended… like final year project… and 3rd year in poly. This would end ard next year when i grad! haha… Hmm…

Well that is it for now… i think…

Sedih. Kebelakangan in ku rasa sedih sekali. Hinggan airmataku menitis membasahi pipiku. Kenapa? Kenapa agaknya?? Entahla…Ku sediri keliru. Runsing dibuatnya. Mungkin kerana banyak sangat yg ku lalui kini. Semuanya terjadi serentak.

Ada pula kata yg ku perlu kan seseorg untuk berada disisku. Untuk menjadi tiang sandaranku, untuk menjadi tempat ku mengadu, menangis dan bermanja. Tapi bila ada seseorg yg mahu menetap disisiku, ku menolak. Kenapa?? Entahla… Mungkin ku belum sedia. Atau cuma perlu masa untuk cuba mengembalikan perasannya. AKu hargai dirimu yg cuba untuk menjadi tempat ku bergantung. Tapi kau harus paham yg aku belum sedia. Ini semua harus diberi masa untuk berputik. Maaf kan ku kerna menolakmu…

Adakah terperanjatnya ku apabila mendapat khabar berita bahawa teman tapi mersa ku yg lama sudah kita tidak berbual mesra dipenjari dirumah batu. Hancur lebuh perasan ku apabila ku dengar cerita sebenar dari abgmu. Aku tahu kita bertengkaran, bersilihan, dan kau pula membawa diri jauh dari ku. Kau diam terus selapas itu. Membuat ku membencimu. Dan kini ku dapat tahu apa telah terjadi… Aku menjadi risau. Gelisah tidak tentu arah. Adahkan apa yg terjadi padamu akibat aku dengan tak segaja? Mungkin ya, mungkin tidak. Apa pun punca nya, aku tak akan henti mengambil berat tentang mu. Kau tetap teman tapi mesra ku. Ampuni la aku jika selama ini aku banyak sakit kat hati mu… Maafkan la aku… Aku tetap akan merindui suara mu….

Aduh letihnya diriku ini. Kehulu dan kehilir mengejar masa. Sekolah yg seperti tidak henti-henti memerlukan perhatian ku. Tugasan tahun akhir pula yg tidak abis-abis bermasalah dan tidak henti-henti mangambil masa-masa lapang ku. Da tu pula tambahan dengan majlis pengkhawinan kakak ku. Aku bahagia bahawa dia sudah dapat kebagiaan yg dimimpi-mimpikannya. Tapi, kini seperti banyak gitu yg harus ku tolong untuk menyediakan majlisnya itu. Takkan hendak biar kan saja ibuku seorg menanggung semuakan?? Kesian, letihnya seperti dia tidak larat lagi membuat kerjaan lainnya. Dengan semua ini, ada lagi yg ku harus tempuhi. Urusan- urusan seperti duit, rumah, bapa kandung ku dan sebagainya… Waduh-waduh berat sunggung diri ini memikul segalanya.

Mengapa agaknya haru ku tempohi ini semua? Oh Tuhan, mengapakah kau mencabar kesabaran hamba mu seperti ini?? Adakah ada nikmat disebalik ini semua?? Atau hanya untuk mengcabari aku?? Walau apa pun niat mu Tuhan, aku yakin ia untuk kebaikkan diri ku juga. Akan ku cuba sedaya upahya ku untuk mengharungi ombak kehidupan ini dengan tabah…Hanya untuk mu… 

27th mar :-

- Slacking at home in the morning

- Follow big sis to town at ard the evening.. she got meeting at forum

- Became too bored at home…

- Then meet up wit Gene…. spent time with him coz he was not werking and was bored…

28th mar :-

- gotten to know a close never come home, the mum called me.

- gotten to know some truth about a close friend.

- gotten to know he lie to me.. alot…

- i was hurt, i cried the whole nite…

29th mar :-

- wake up with pain in my eye

- looks like swollen

- gotten sick….

- cant sleep at all!!

ahhhchooo!!

30th mar :-

- gotten really sick…

- 1st lab session for my project…

- really sick…. cant seem to get anything rite….

- cant seem to sleep that well too….

AAHHHHhhhhhCHHHhhhooooOOOO…

31st mar :-

- continuation of lab work.

- still sick.. sneezing away every now and then

- 3hrs of sleep

1st april :-

- 1st day of wearing contact lens for my project

- spent 30 mins on putting in the contact lens in the morning…poke poke poke my eye…

- my eyes are painful and redish the whole day…

- bought eye drops…works a lil better…

- met my cousin…

- a relieve wen i open the lenses..

- updates blog….

Muahaha…

Its just one of those blog that i wanted to like out with some question that at times pops out in my mind. SO for today… the question is… WHY DO HUMANS HAVE FEELINGS???

Why do i suddenly ask this question? Well, its all cause by my own feelings. I had too many feelings mixed up like rojak lately. I felt hurt, sad, pain, irritated, angry, felt like crying… all… and then it pops out… why must i have these feelings? From there i asked.. WHY DO HUMANS HAVE FEELINGS??? Why must we feel hurt n pain, why must we feel like shit at times….

Well, with it, we know if something makes us sad or happy. With it, life seems much better… if we do not feel… its like so dull… life would become meaningless. But wit it too, we get hurt and all. But its life… Hmm….

SO in the end, i jus have to live with all these feelings.. u, me  and everyone… hmmm…. so the tired… but we have too.. these are some of the unanswerable questions… cant be help i guess….

Today, i have turned 20 yrs old…..In this blog entry, i would like to thank those that have wish me happie bde and all…

So, 1st up… Thanks to mom, who have brought me up in this world. Thanks to my sisters for wishing me happie bdae. I love u too. Thanks to abg sidi n akak ayu for the sling bag.. love the red color…. THanks for akak sal, for wishin me happier bdae… i dun need presents ouhkie.. so its ok. Thanks to abg aah, kak jana, n kak rai…. for wishing me happie bdae… ( i do not know who told kak jana and kak rai… it must be abg aah, their bro… haha)

Next up…Thanks to, my besties. Yanty, thanks for the bdae wish, u cant be with me on my bdae, but its ok….Ros, Mar, Najib, Ahmad, THanks for the dinner at pastamania, ( We had to go Sunplaza for some issues on our project. Then ahmad say he want to go toilet nad bring najib along saying he do not know where is it. Then, aft me, mar, ros settle our stuff at the eye shop, i ask where we are going, ros say we going to eat at mac. Then she enter pastamania, shitlets… she jus smile. Then i saw ahmad n najib seating already smiling, so i smile only.. hehe speechless. Then mar n ros wanted to go toilet so ok la.. i waited, while ahmad n najib buy the food. Then, the guys came back with only two drinks. tot my coke will come later so ok la… so the gals came back, suddenly sing happy bdae song, wanted to cry but kept it in.. haha.. then a slice of cake from starbucks for me.. haha…. Then my coke, which had been change to mocha frappe with whipped cream. their doings too!! haha… Aside from that, i gotten a purple, yellow cow/cowiebank…haha.) So thanks to ros n zep for the cowiebank… will try n keep money in it.. love it lots…. Again… thanks guys. And also, thanks to eugene for being sweet and knwoing my bdae, Al irfian for wanting to bring me out but last min cant… its ok i understands.

Then…. May thanks to the rest also who didnt forget my bdae, some in which i didnt know u know… Haha…. Rid, thanks for the advance bdae wish, Oska thanks for remembering. To Nuraini thanks…Not forgetting, Falah, adilah, fatimah, eric, shameer, weileng, voodoo child, Im R, shini, Atie, Cheong, Ouh and mabel, who i have bump in sch.. thanks for remembering.

LAstly……Thanks to all that had remember my bdae, that had wish me happie bdae and alll.. thank u. If i do forget anyone.. i am sorriee… but i think i have mention alll… i not so sure.. haha….cant seem to remember who i have mention, who i have not and allll sorrie… but thanks to everyone ok… luv ya all….

====----------------THANK U!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! --------------=====

Eve of my b’dae… Well, i have been thinking about things that had happen, done, wat’s going to happen and such… Then i thought again… What had happen, is it all in a way worth it? It is for the best? Or should i regret?? Then again i thought, in 20 years of my life… what had i done? other than the bad stuff and all….Have i wasted my life?? Part of me said that i had. And that i could have been a better person then i was or am now. But If the past have not happen, have not teaches me a lesson about life, would i still be what i am now? Then again i thought, what have i done?? Am i a bad person to u? I hated myself many times… And at times.. i still do hate myself..

I just feel this way sometimes… Dun ask me why pls.. dun…. i jus do…Today i hint2 the guys, as in my team mates, 3 of which my closest friends thus far in rp…. that my bdae is tomorrow… i jus feel like doing that. But i do not want anything… nothing at all…. Its was jus a play2 thingy…. I jus need to Coz part of me feel like crying again, from time to time… Its either the age, or i jus feel damn stressed out. But then again i do not knoe…. I jus need to cheer myself up guys.. so pls do not bother abt it.. i jus playing ard. I do not want to cry on my b’dae or the eve of it…. I am jus happy that u guys are around to make me happy and such….

Please… be happy people… i know some of u guys are having bf n gf problems and all other problems.. please… be happy.. things will turn out fine.. there is always ways….. and things will fall out fine ouhkie…. love u guys…..And to yanty… i miss u lots gal….

Its been weeks… maybe a month or so.. Sad to say, but i kinda lost track….Its either that, or i am jus lost rite now. I do not know what to think or what to do. I can’t seem to push myself to start researching on my project. Not only that, but i seem to be lost. Yet again… lost…

Or is it just coz i am tired? But its been like 3 days since i came back from my trip to Cambodia for a service learning trip. 12 days i was gone, and her i am again. Rite back where i came from… and he same as ever… Lost.

Frankly speaking.. i hate this feeling. I really do hate it a lot. But nevertheless, it keeps coming back. At a time i be feeling fine, then the next moment i am not. Why?? Why am i like this?? Is there something wrong with me… Or is there something missing.. Or maybe i am just forgetting something…

Oh God, please help me… please help me find a cure to this feeling. Or at least show me the answer to the question of why i am feeling this way. Is it cause i am too worried over other stuff that i lost myself?

Hate this… Hate this feeling… Hate me for feeling this way… Hate it a whole damn lot. Shit…. i hate this…Hate this feeling…But yet i can’t run away from it… shit….